right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
