It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Randomize
