Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Boobs are out for the taking
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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