Umm I'm too high to move.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Randomize
