Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
