I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
My butt remains clenched, sir.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
