I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
