Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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