When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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