She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
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