don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
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