just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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