Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
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