I showed him my bush... on skype.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
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