this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
