Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
