They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
