I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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