I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
