Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
