I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
