We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
