can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
