Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Randomize
