i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
