I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
This house was built for laser tag.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
