I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
