i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
thus making me awesome and them whores
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
