i need an iv and a liver transplant
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Randomize
