your thong is hanging out like whoa
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
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