he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
How does it feel to date your dad?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
