I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
It's shark week go big or go home
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
