Do you still have your period?
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
