I CAN MOONWALK!
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
my liver is dry heaving
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down