Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half