Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
29 Frat Parties That Got Way Too Out Of Control
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
15 Ridiculous Ways Broke People Managed to Make a Buck
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.