I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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