He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
