Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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