I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
