My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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