There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
