two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
