The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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