why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
it was like eating out sand paper
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
3 2 1 whiskey
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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