I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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