Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
You made out with two different species that night
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
