i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
