not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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