life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Betty ford says i'm here all night
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
so let's talk penis.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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