I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
