Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
