***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Randomize
