i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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