can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
