Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
You were trust falling into bushes
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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