Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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