I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Everything about him screamed your future.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
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