I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
