Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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