I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
