Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
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