My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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