sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
