I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize