Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
