On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
